SLAA BRUSSELS
SEX & LOVE ADDICTS ANONYMOUS

What is sex and love addiction?

 

In SLAA, we believe that sex and love addiction is a progressive disease that cannot be eliminated, but which, as is the case with many diseases, can be successfully managed.

It can take many forms, including (but not exclusively) a compulsive need for sex, intense dependence on one or more people, a permanent preoccupation with romance, romantic affairs or fantasy ...

It manifests as obsessive or compulsive behavior, either emotional or sexual (or both), in which relationships or sexual activity have become increasingly destructive to work, family and self-respect.

Sex and love addiction has consequences that keep getting worse if left unchecked.

Before coming to SLAA, many sex and love addicts see themselves as being on the margins of society, as perverts or simply as having no self-control. Still others feel that they are simply seeking what they are entitled to or owed. They feel justified to indulge themselves. The whole idea of ​​SLAA is that sex and love addicts are sick people who can recover by following a simple program that has been proven to work for thousands of men and women with the same disease.

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Am I a sex and love addict?

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Only you can tell if you are powerless over sex and love addiction or if it has affected you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. For many of us, it was very hard to admit at first. A few of us, however, despite considerable obstacles, finally came to terms with the fact that they were sex and love addicts. They became able to turn towards a program of recovery as well as a Higher Power. They found that the pain of acceptance was ultimately less than that of being trapped in their sexual, emotional, obsessive or compulsive behaviors.

The following suggestions may help you find out if you are powerless over sex and love addiction, and ready to take steps to recover:

1. Attend a number of SLAA meetings over a short period of time, and then decide if you need help.

2. In meetings and when talking with other members, try to identify with the feelings that are being expressed, looking for similarities rather than differences.

3. Pick up some SLAA literature and read it between meetings. The "40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis" (available on this website) has helped many of us go through our sexual activities, romantic behavior, and emotional issues.

4. Try to give up, for 30 days, one of the behaviors that are problematic for you and see how you feel. If you can't do it on your own, we can help.

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40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis

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The following questions are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is. We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful.

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1.) Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?

2.) Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?

3.) Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities? Do you feel you need to hide these activities from others – friends, family, co-workers, counselors, etc.?

4.) Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance? Do you crash?

5.) Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?

6.) Do you make promises to yourself or rules for yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?

7.) Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with?

8.) Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?

9.) Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?

10.) Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?

11.) Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?

12.) Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?

13.) Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?

14.) Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?

15.) Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?

16.) Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

17.) Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?

18.) Do you feel like a lifeless puppet unless there is someone around with whom you can flirt? Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?

19.) Do you feel entitled to sex?

20.) Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?

21.) Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?

22.) Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from not having enough of, or the right kind of sex? Or from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person?

23.) Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?

24.) Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex? Do you feel that you would have no identity if you were not someone’s lover?

25.) Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?

26.) Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?

27.) Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?

28.) Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?

29.) Do you engage in the practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc., in ways that bring discomfort and pain?

30.) Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief?

31.) Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?

32.) Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door? Are you jaded?

33.) Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?

34.) Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?

35.) Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time? Have you ever wished you could be less emotionally dependent?

36.) Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do? Are you afraid that deep down you are unacceptable?

37.) Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?

38.) Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?

39.) Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your sexual and/or romantic behavior or your excessive dependency needs?

40.) Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

 

What now?

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If reading these questions has made you realize that there may be something suspicious about your romantic behavior or emotional difficulties, then what should you do?

First of all, know that you are no longer alone, that many of us have experienced thes addictive patterns and have found recovery in SLAA. If there are regular SLAA meetings in your area, attending them will connect you with recovering emotional and sexual addicts. If you are not aware of such meetings, we invite you to write to SLAA. In response, we will send you all the information we have about possible meetings in your area or the closest SLAA person to contact.

Most importantly, know that there is a path to recovery that can be shared. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The S.L.A.A. Preamble

 

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition oriented fellowship based on the model pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous. The only qualification for S.L.A.A. membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. S.L.A.A. is supported entirely through the contributions of its membership and is free to all who need it.

 

To counter the destructive consequences of sex and love addiction, we draw on five major resources:

 

1. Sobriety. Our willingness to stop acting out in our own personal bottom-line addictive behavior on a daily basis.

2. Sponsorship / Meetings. Our capacity to reach out for the supportive fellowship within S.L.A.A.

3. Steps. Our practice of the Twelve Step program of recovery to achieve sexual and emotional sobriety.

4. Service. Our giving back to the S.L.A.A. community what we continue to freely receive.

5. Spirituality. Our developing a relationship with a Power greater than ourselves which can guide and sustain us in recovery.

 

As a fellowship S.L.A.A. has no opinion on outside issues and seeks no controversy. S.L.A.A. is not affiliated with any other organizations, movements or causes, either religious or secular.

 

We are, however, united in a common focus: dealing with our addictive sexual and emotional behavior. We find a common denominator in our obsessive/compulsive patterns, which transcends any personal differences of sexual orientation or gender identity.

 

We need protect with special care the anonymity of every S.L.A.A. member. Additionally we try to avoid drawing undue attention to S.L.A.A. as a whole from the public media.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction

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1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.

2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God.

3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.

4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.

5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.

6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing care, and support.

7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.

8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.

9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.

10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities.

11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery.

12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A.*

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1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

 

 

 

 

 

The Twelve Traditions of S.L.A.A.*

 

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon S.L.A.A. unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority -- a loving God as this Power may be expressed through our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for S.L.A.A. membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. Any two or more persons gathered together for mutual aid in recovering from sex and love addiction may call themselves an S.L.A.A. group, provided that as a group they have no other affiliation.

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or S.L.A.A. as a whole.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose -- to carry its message to the sex and love addict who still suffers.

6. An S.L.A.A. group or S.L.A.A. as a whole ought never endorse, finance, or lend the S.L.A.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7. Every S.L.A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8. S.L.A.A. should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. S.L.A.A. as such ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. S.L.A.A. has no opinion on outside issues; hence the S.L.A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, film, and other public media. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all fellow S.L.A.A. members.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

 

 

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S.L.A.A. Signs of Recovery

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1. We seek to develop a daily relationship with a Higher Power, knowing that we are not alone in our efforts to heal ourselves from our addiction.

2. We are willing to be vulnerable because the capacity to trust has been restored to us by our faith in a Higher Power.

3. We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and our obsession with the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and emotional dependency.

4. We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, morally, psychologically or spiritually.

5. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving ourselves with others.

6. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and learning to trust and accept others.

7. We allow ourselves to work through the pain of our low self-esteem and our fears of abandonment and responsibility. We learn to feel comfortable in solitude.

8. We begin to accept our imperfections and mistakes as part of being human, healing our shame and perfectionism while working on our character defects.

9. We begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of expressing emotions and feelings.

10. We become honest in expressing who we are, developing true intimacy in our relationships with ourselves and others.

11. We learn to value sex as a by-product of sharing, commitment, trust and cooperation in a partnership.

12. We are restored to sanity, on a daily basis, by participating in the process of recovery.

 

 

* ©1985 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Twelve Steps are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that A.A. is affiliated with this program. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only. Use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities, which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise.